DON'T WAIT...

To be chosen/externally validated/for the 'right' conditions/til the kids are older/til your job is more stable - you get the idea, right?!!! - to turn your almost-a-thing into A THING.

Picture the scene: It’s 3am in Paris + our protagonist - me - can’t sleep because it’s too bloody hot (IN APRIL!) so she cracks open the laptop, hit’s ‘new’ on a writing document + riffs for over twenty pages.

NOTE: In the fictitious + FAR more glamorous version of this, I’d OBVIOUSLY be smoking a cigarette, sat seductively on the edge of a stool, typing on a classic Remington typewriter, wearing a black lacy ensemble, my hair in a bouncy blow + my red lip would still be completely in tact. In the ACTUAL version, I was in bed, hair tied on top of my head in a scrunchie, a little bit sweaty (+ not in a good way) typing on a almost-retro-at-this-point macbook air that’s covered in, among others, Jem - truly, truly outrageous! - stickers.

Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Whole weeks have now passed since that 2am writing session + that idea I was riffing on is what I lovingly refer to as ‘almost-a-thing’ + the doc is sitting open in the corner of my screen while I do at least seventeen other things. (+ yes, that DOES mean I’ve not turned my computer on + off in that time, don’t be so bloody judge-y, ‘k?!!!)
I don’t dare close it because if I do, I’d feel like I was somehow putting the almost-a-thing in a metaphorical drawer for another day + I don’t want to do that, I want it to stay awake + alive. AND…I also don’t want to look at it. I mean, occasionally I catch it out of the corner of my eye + we flirt with the possibility of spending some quality time together, but that would mean the almost-a-thing would then ACTUALLY become A THING + that would mean it’s real, + real means that it could fail, + failure means well…that’s a whole other story.
So right now, the tab stays open, ‘k?!!!
’KAY?!!!!!

I actually got REALLY close to opening it this morning, mainly because I was all out of excuses NOT to, which is WHY I’m now obviously writing THIS instead. Ha!

Yes, I’m a writer. A full time one. For over 20 years now.
I’m a journalist, a writer for hire, I’ve written LOTS of books - my own + I’ve ghost written for lots of other people, farrrk, I’ve even written a Justin Bieber annual back in the day + yes, I STILL have to play the weirdest + most wonderful mind games with myself to make the almost-a-thing an actual THING.

Why? Well, there’s many reasons, fear, resistance, procrastination, they’re the usual culprits, right? AND…I think, for me at least, it’s because I was taught, like many women, to wait.
Wait to be chosen.
Wait until you’re “good enough”.
Wait until you’ve earned the “right” to take up space in that field.
Wait until the children are older or the job is more stable or…you get the idea right?!!!!
Waiting, we’ve been taught, shows humility, it’s the mature + measured “right” response to the perceived absolute mother-loving audacity of wanting to write something that MIGHT be read.

Thankfully, this doesn’t happen often, but I’m sharing because, + I THINK the reason why THIS particular almost-a-thing is proving to be QUITE the trickster, is because the almost-a-thing is a fiction book + despite over 20 years of writing for magazines + publishers (AND writing fiction for other people), there’s a part of me, it’s a small part, but it’s definitely a bloody loud part , that feels like, ME, as a FICTION WRITER, requires some form of external justification before it can actually exist.

I’ve held off writing my own fiction for YEARS because…well, it’s a few things really, but I’d say the two biggies are 1. I was told on more than one occasion to ‘stay in my lane’, as if a woman’s imagination even has lanes?! Can you imagine if Toni Morrison had stayed in hers?! Or if Marguerite Duras was told what she was supposed to write + thought: yes, that seems right, I'll stay here.
But ‘the lane’ IS safe + known + deffo has evidence of my competence in it. Fiction? Well, that has NONE OF THAT. Fiction would mean pure exposure. Stepping off solid ground into somewhere I hadn't yet proven I could stand.

+ 2. Perfectionism had became my own internal gatekeeper, the fiction had to be perfect before anyone could see it, which on the surface could be considered ‘having standards’ in a world of generated text + sloppy same-old, AND after applying a bit of self-awareness to the situ (I know, she’s SO evolved. Ahem!) I’ve recognised that it’s also protection. Not of the work, but of me. From the work becoming real, becoming readable, becoming something that someone could have an opinion about that I couldn’t control.

The almost-a-thing isn’t almost because I can’t write it. It’s almost because I got very good at keeping myself safe from finding out what it would mean if I did. The good news is that the almost-a-thing is the NEXT installment to something that ALREADY EXISTS, because guess what? she - me - felt the fear/perfectionism/need for validation/the want to be chosen AND SHE WROTE ANYWAY. My fiction is coming later this year. (More on THAT very soon.)

Look, the waiting, if you let it, + I’m sorry, this IS a YOU problem, can last a lifetime. I watched it last a lifetime - my mumma lived an amazing yet super-fear-filled life + when she died, not only did the books that she wanted to write but never did, die with her, the very specific-to-her version of the world that only SHE could have put on paper was gone too. (Aware how THOROUGHLY dramatic that sounds AND…it’s also very real + true.)

When I asked one of the glorious women who’s already signed up to Write Yourself In why she’s doing it + why now, she replied, in true Anais Nin, style - (yes, I attract the really good women!):

“The pain of not doing is now greater than the fear of actually doing it.”

THIS. IS. IT.

Do NOT wait until the fear disappears, write anyway.
Do NOT wait to be chosen, write anyway.
Do NOT wait until you feel ready, you may NEVER feel ready, write anyway.

De Pizan didn’t wait.
Hurston didn’t wait.
They turned their almost-a-thing into a THING by writing anyway + not because the fear had somehow disappeared, but because the alternative was to wait + stay silent, + silence, for a woman with something real + true to say, is NOT an option.

NOTE: Write Yourself In is NOT a fix-all solution to this, I want to be really honest about THAT because there is NO amount of “five-step frameworks” that can resolve the story that many of us have absorbed, bone-deep, which is the idea that OUR version of the world requires justification before it can exist.

AND…what I CAN promise is that something WILL + DOES change when you bring an almost-a-thing into a room full of women who are also daring to turn their almost-a-thing into A THING.

In fact I’m going to be so bold as to say it becomes a near-perfect condition for a woman - YOU - who has a story that she MUST share, to take a deep breath, let out a looooooong exhale, open up the laptop/notebook, look at her almost-a-thing + spend some much-needed time making out with it. Yes guilt, fear, worry might/will still be present AND…we write anyway, together, + we learn, together, HOW to let it be the most delicious experience, because writing IS delicious - please don’t let the robot do the GOOD BIT!!!!!

NOTE: You don’t have to have ANY of it figured out to join me for WRITE YOURSELF IN, you just have to be tired of waiting + ready to be the woman who has the absolute mother loving audacity to want to write something that WILL be read.

Now excuse me, I have an almost-a-thing that needs my attention, how about you? Do you have an almost-a-thing that’s taunting you on your desktop or in your notebook that wants/needs to become a THING?
Tell me about it, make it real!

…………………………………….BOTTOM OF THE PAGE LINK LOVE……………………………………

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